The best part about a blog that no one reads is...

Its like a sounding board with no sound.  I can put some of my more personal and retarded thoughts on here without too much fear that the wrong people would read them.  (is that secretly what I want?)

So with this in mind,  I think I'm slowly becoming cynical.  Or emotionally unavailable, or something.  Laziness has always been a part of my life.  Not that I just sit around all the time (which is happening more often now with the advent of Wrath of the Lich King) I stay active for the most part, but things that require my attention don't get done.  Laundry is a good example, or cleaning my room, or even fixing my car. (fully.  I get it to minimal operation status and leave it be.  There are probably 5 major things that need fixing on my car, but it still drives fine.) 

Cynicism on the other hand has not been part of my life.  Really ever.  I did go through a bout of loneliness and depression in middle school when I was being picked on daily, but who couldn't say they've been through something similar?  Real cynicism, like expecting to be disappointed in everyone,  or expecting the mundane to happen even when you try your hardest to live an interesting life is what I'd say I've been getting a taste of lately.  

I've been places and done new things to keep me off balance.  I've gone away on a whim to a tropical island by myself, no plans.  I've been to a 3rd world country just because I've never been there.  I've tried to scare myself stupid once a week on average.  

More.  I need to do more.  And I can't do that in a relationship.  I can't have someone worrying about my safety while I'm climbing radio towers in a wind storm, or petrified that I'll go to jail for sneaking into a water tower that is under construction.  I would feel uncomfortable with someone I care about being vexed that I just learned that front wheel drive cars are indeed easier to do a full 360 turn in, and continue driving down the road.  I don't need the added burden of someone turning to me and telling me to take my anti-malarial like the nurse told me to.  The thought of a girl crying over me not coming home because I need to look danger in the face needlessly makes my heart constrict my throat just a bit.

I really just want to be alone, and that hurts.

Is it freedom I want? Or do I need someone who is as crazy and irresponsible as me?  *shudder* I really dont think I'd be with me were I a girl, so maybe thats not what I need.  

I think everyone wants to be a superhero.  I am struggling though, with one thing that this wish of mine betrays.  I want evil in the world, for the sole selfish purpose that I can oppose it. Why would I want that? Am I trying to show off? I don't tell anyone about half of the stupid things I do, so I'm not yet convinced of that.  (not putting that one down for an instant though)

It wouldn't be fair for me to get into a relationship with me like this. (well, another relationship) I've been in one where I showed no real interest and just kind of let her break it off.  I also went out with a girl and left it completely open ended. I just stopped calling her.  My interest level is declining more and more rapidly with every girl I involve myself with, and I can't for the life of me figure out why.  

I'd like to say that its because I broke it off with the only girl I've ever loved and was loved back, and I'm in regret.  I don't really feel that this is the case.  I had a good year and a half after I broke up with her when I feel like I could've hopped into another relationship and put the emotion and love and work into making it last.  Its only been about a year since I started feeling that its not worth it, and I think we stopped dating about 3 years ago.  Is the fact that I bring her  up an indication of anything? Or am I just bringing it up because thats been the closest thing to success with a girl I've ever had?

The introspective side of me has started to wax cool as I'm writing, and it all seems like whining.  I'm debating not publishing, but ctrl+a delete is more work than clicking 'publish post.'

I'd also like to say that this isn't the direction I was going with this post when I started.  I wanted to end with something like 'And so, in conclusion, the sign up chart for the make-out-with-you-and-never-call-back is in the kitchen, next to my sandwich maker.'

-Notsocontentbutcontentwiththat