Monday, January 21, 2008

Life? what life?

Epic problems bounce off me like bullets off Superman.

Since mid-Friday, I've been working on a seemingly simple issue for work (of course not on the sabbath) the details of which are too drab and boring to get into here. I guess my question to the internet is this; Do normal people let stuff like this get them down? I've known some people who put a lot of themselves into their work and identify themselves through it. I can't say that I'll ever do the same. With problems like these cropping up every week, and my only action in them is to say "I don't have a clue as to what you are talking about" (making me feel utterly useless by the way) I would be a madman if I identified myself by simply being the medium which true tech support goes through. While the simple problems no longer give me too much issue, I still cannot diagnose and solve any real problem. So in the end, I really don't let it get me down.
Is that a good thing? It certainly doesn't make me feel good to hardly know what I'm doing on a day to day basis, and though I'm learning, I get no satisfaction out of it either. It seems that for the past months working this IT job I have just stopped fully feeling anything.
Maybe thats why I stoically let my most recent relationship fail. Maybe thats why I don't really put myself in my own prayers anymore.

Like every time in my life before this when I notice fruitlessness, I'm going to have to make a major change. Going back to college is something I've thought about for about a year now. It looks like Radiology is just way too long of a hike for me, so I'll be going (God willing) to UTD to get a Geology degree. Maybe there I'll get a sense of direction. Maybe its green enough grass over there to keep me satisfied.
I've thought of why I do this so frequently, from High school to college, to the Air Force, to college again, to a semester off working 3 jobs, to full time college again, to quitting the military, to community college, to working various places for a year, to now. I think I need the change. I've grown up around change: My parents moved from place to place never staying longer than 3 years in my childhood, due to my Father's military career, they then got divorced when I was 13 and I finally stayed somewhere. Here in Texas. From there my Father got re-married, divorced, re-married again, and settled down, here in Texas. The change didn't stop there, I went from being a dorky introverted out of shape kid to a dorky extroverted runner. I went from knowing nothing of cars to loving all things dealing with nuts and bolts, trying to understand the world through physics and mechanics. I went on to make the biggest change in my life by coming into the Church, and the Truth. Changing almost everything I did in life, from the way I talked to the way I thought about God.
Change change change.
Now that I'm in a sort of lull in life, and I've done the same thing for roughly a year, (while still managing to change myself into a computer-nerd) I've gotten antsy.

I don't know why I'm writing this, all I know is it feels good to get it out. Off my chest.
I don't think I'm unhappy, in fact just the opposite. I'm just getting kind of restless. Like I don't know what to do with my hands in front of an audience, or like I've been on a bus taking me somewhere I didn't even want to go, and my butt just fell asleep.

I just realized that the next semester that I could sign up for doesn't start until after summer.
And I don't feel a thing.