Monday, January 21, 2008

Life? what life?

Epic problems bounce off me like bullets off Superman.

Since mid-Friday, I've been working on a seemingly simple issue for work (of course not on the sabbath) the details of which are too drab and boring to get into here. I guess my question to the internet is this; Do normal people let stuff like this get them down? I've known some people who put a lot of themselves into their work and identify themselves through it. I can't say that I'll ever do the same. With problems like these cropping up every week, and my only action in them is to say "I don't have a clue as to what you are talking about" (making me feel utterly useless by the way) I would be a madman if I identified myself by simply being the medium which true tech support goes through. While the simple problems no longer give me too much issue, I still cannot diagnose and solve any real problem. So in the end, I really don't let it get me down.
Is that a good thing? It certainly doesn't make me feel good to hardly know what I'm doing on a day to day basis, and though I'm learning, I get no satisfaction out of it either. It seems that for the past months working this IT job I have just stopped fully feeling anything.
Maybe thats why I stoically let my most recent relationship fail. Maybe thats why I don't really put myself in my own prayers anymore.

Like every time in my life before this when I notice fruitlessness, I'm going to have to make a major change. Going back to college is something I've thought about for about a year now. It looks like Radiology is just way too long of a hike for me, so I'll be going (God willing) to UTD to get a Geology degree. Maybe there I'll get a sense of direction. Maybe its green enough grass over there to keep me satisfied.
I've thought of why I do this so frequently, from High school to college, to the Air Force, to college again, to a semester off working 3 jobs, to full time college again, to quitting the military, to community college, to working various places for a year, to now. I think I need the change. I've grown up around change: My parents moved from place to place never staying longer than 3 years in my childhood, due to my Father's military career, they then got divorced when I was 13 and I finally stayed somewhere. Here in Texas. From there my Father got re-married, divorced, re-married again, and settled down, here in Texas. The change didn't stop there, I went from being a dorky introverted out of shape kid to a dorky extroverted runner. I went from knowing nothing of cars to loving all things dealing with nuts and bolts, trying to understand the world through physics and mechanics. I went on to make the biggest change in my life by coming into the Church, and the Truth. Changing almost everything I did in life, from the way I talked to the way I thought about God.
Change change change.
Now that I'm in a sort of lull in life, and I've done the same thing for roughly a year, (while still managing to change myself into a computer-nerd) I've gotten antsy.

I don't know why I'm writing this, all I know is it feels good to get it out. Off my chest.
I don't think I'm unhappy, in fact just the opposite. I'm just getting kind of restless. Like I don't know what to do with my hands in front of an audience, or like I've been on a bus taking me somewhere I didn't even want to go, and my butt just fell asleep.

I just realized that the next semester that I could sign up for doesn't start until after summer.
And I don't feel a thing.

5 comments:

Steph said...

i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up. i do want to be a nurse and a mom. beyond that, no idea. find something you LOVE to do, chuckie. that's all that matters.

Kristin Dundee said...

I second that, your sister is quite wise:) Hmm what about something like Athletic Training or Exercise Phys?

Victor said...

It lives? O_o
Scuba cat says hello.

http://www.portaldavaca.com.br/simagens/bichos/ago_05/gato_aquatico.jpg

Mike Thomas said...

I'm pretty pissed you make NO ATTEMPT to stay in contact...and I have to join another "online community" just to contact you since you're apparently too good for myspace. Whatevers though...I'll forgive you if you give me the 411 on the past oh say 3 years? K den.

Charlie Nas said...

VICTOR!? MIKE!? its like a reunion in here! Mike, I'll talk with you in person some more since your finally back. How're you Victor? are you still alive?